It's a Long Way Down
by Loving Your Smile
Summary: There was no reason to even try anymore, much less live. And so, Rose briskly climbed the stairs of the astronomy tower, wondering what it would feel like to jump off.


**A/N So, uh, this is just kind of a weird one shot. The idea of Suicidal!Rose somehow squeezed its way into my head, but I had no idea where this was going. It turned out a lot differently then I thought it would. Though I'm glad it didn't just become one of those cliche "Person A tries to kill herself and Person B stops her and then they fall in love and make out" kind of stories you find on this site.**

Rose couldn't take it anymore.

There was too much- too much_ life _going on to handle it. The stress, the emotions, the general tiredness. It was all too much. She had been stupid enough to fall into all the pretty words her parents told her, stupid enough to think she was smart. Yes, she was booksmart, but she most certainly didn't understand people. She had no meaning to her life; no color. She was a robot, almost. Breathing and eating and sleeping and studying and that was all. That was all anyone expected of her, all anyone ever noticed her for.

But other than that, she was invisible. And there was no way out; no way to throw off the cloak. Nobody took the time to get to know her. Her family avoided her as much as possible at school, and her parents only made her feel like a failure at home. She was never good enough, was she? Never as pretty as Lily, never as smart as her mother, never as easy going as James or funny like Al or nice like Hugo. She was just Rose, smart and bad tempered and secretly afraid she would never fit in. She was never going to be good enough. There was no reason to even try anymore, much less live.

And so, Rose briskly climbed the stairs of the astronomy tower, wondering what it would feel like to jump off.

The night air was chilly, and for a second Rose regretted not bringing a sweater before remembering she wouldn't ever need it again. She wouldn't need anything again. The thought made her smile.

Quickly, she looked around, not seeing anyone, before coming to stand at the edge. The night was dark, the only light coming from the windows below her and the stars that freckled the sky. She could see the forest stretching out in front of her, seemingly endless in the darkness. She took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut before moving her foot, ever so slowly.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Rose jerked around, her foot nearly slipping off the edge. A hand caught her arm, steadying her. The person muttered a small, "Lumos," and Rose immediately recognized him as Scorpius Malfoy. Throughout their years at Hogwarts, Rose hadn't really talked to him much. She had taken her father's words to heart, and hadn't become "too friendly" with him, so as not to upset her father. In fact, she hadn't been friends with him at all, just to be safe.

"It's none of your business, Malfoy," she choked, her eyes welling up. She didn't want him to be here. He would ruin all her plans, he'd never understand. This was for the best. No one would miss her. She had planned this moment for months; imagined it in a million different settings, taking her life a million different ways.

"Everything's my business, Weasley," he replied, his pale eyebrows furrowed. He pulled her away from the edge.

Rose looked away. She needed to appear strong, not like she was about to bawl her eyes out.

"Go away," she muttered dryly, pulling her arm out of his warm grip.

"And let you jump off of the astronomy tower? Do I look like an idiot?"

"Bloody hell, Malfoy, just leave me alone!" she cried. Tears burned down her cheeks, and she could only pray the light of his wandtip didn't illuminate what must have then been her distorted, blotchy face.

Scorpius stared at her. "You know, I wouldn't have guessed _you'd_ be the one about to jump." He sat her down on the stone bench before sitting down beside her. She complied, her body shaking with silent sobs.

"Well, you don't know me," she whispered, tears now flowing freely. "No one does, really."

Scorpius stared at her again, his eyes watching her with such intensity she had to look away.

"Then tell me about yourself."

Rose looked back up, surprised. "You know, you're not too bad for a Slytherin."

"And you're pretty stupid for a Ravenclaw."

"No kidding," she mumbled hollowly.

"Hey now, I was just referring to the part where you nearly jumped off the astronomy tower. Everyone knows that you're some sort of genius, otherwise."

Rose shook her head and wiped an eye. "If I'm such a genius, then how come nobody likes me?" It was a fear she'd never admitted to anyone, aloud or otherwise. But it just sort of slipped out, and it wasn't coming back anytime soon.

"Plenty of people like you. Just ask any guy in the Quidditch locker rooms, they like you plenty," he joked, his voice quiet.

"Not enough to talk to me, though," she muttered. "It's not like I'm asking them to propose or anything. Just..._ talk_ to me. Acknowledge me."

Her words hung in the air for a silent moment, and she could feel Scorpius' eyes on her.

"So really. Tell me about yourself," he whispered, breaking the silence.

"You don't really want to know. You're only doing this so I won't- won't-"

"Kill yourself. See, you can't do it. You can't even say it." His tone was so soft, and Rose found it eerily comforting. He'd always seemed like "that obnoxious Slytherin guy" to her, and now here he was, preventing her from falling into the stars.

"I know. I'm a failure at everything, even killing myself." Her voice was hollow, and she wiped her eyes, her sleeve damp with saltwater.

"No, that's not what I meant. Besides, failing to kill yourself might be your greatest accomplishment, really." In the near blackness, she felt his hand grab hers and squeeze it gently. The idea that a person (and a boy her age, too) was touching her, holding her so affectionately, nearly stopped her breathing. _So this is what it's like to be loved,_ she mused in her head. Because she knew he didn't love her. He didn't know anything about her. But she'd seen what people in love did: they laughed and smiled and held hands and held each other and sometimes they got angry but they always went back to loving in the end.

So she let herself pretend, for one minute, that he loved her, and she loved him, and so she didn't let go of his hand. She needed it, really. It was her lifeline, the one thing preventing her from jumping from the tower at the moment.

The silence settled on them like a blanket, keeping them in cozy contact. Rose smiled despite the solemn occasion that had brought them here. It was funny, actually. If anyone had seen them up there, holding hands on the tower, they might have thought that maybe they really were in love, even though they were just pretending. Or, she was just pretending and he was trying to be a decent human being.

_Because_, Rose thought grimly, _who would even pretend to love me?_

But the thing was, though Rose had these negative thoughts with startling reoccurrence, the words sounded empty now. They were like a desperate attempt to convince yourself not to eat the last chocolate frog in the pantry, though you knew in the end you were going to eat it anyway. And a new, foreign thought was blooming in her head, regardless of whether or not he (or anyone) loved her right then.

Because maybe- well, maybe someday he _would_. And that was an amazing thought.

And at that moment, Rose knew with a new clarity that she would not in fact be jumping off the astronomy tower that evening.

**A/N So... What did ya think? Tell me in a review! **

**...Please!**

**xx**

**Ali**


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